The following are acceptable breakfasts activities for men:

• Gargling gravel or shards of glass
• Stabbing yourself in the thigh with a fork
• Snorting lines of coke off Kevin Bacon’s chest
• Massaging coffee grinds into wounds caused by fork thrusting
• Eating 4 dozen eggs if you’re a lad, 5 if you’re grown

If you even mention bacon you groveling neck beard meme whore I will end you with a pelvic thrust. 

A man cave is the least manly product to be shoved down your fat whimpering gullets. It is a trophy of domesticity. Put signs on your front lawn that say you never go anywhere or do anything and lack all rigor and manly aspiration. Buy a superbowl television ad explaining in detail how you gulp vagina spew from hose. Cut off your dick and feed it to a walrus. Just don’t get a man cave. Then people will know you’re an asshole.